As an introvert I'm not the typical person this book was written for. But I thought it would be interesting from the opposite point of view. Even if you're not a "talkaholic" as the author describes himself, there's plenty of food for thought here, from disconnecting from the noise of social media to the importance of really listening to someone else. Lyons is a tech writer, not a science writer, and though he peppers his chapters with quotes from scientific research, some of his leaps and assumptions make me wish his editors had remembered that correlation is not causation. But this is a quibble. Overall, this is a quick and engaging read and I hope the people who need it most take advantage of the author's advice. It would be a less aggravating world if so.

“STFU: The Power of Keeping Your Mouth Shut in an Endlessly Noisy World” by Dan Lyons has some promising ideas and has the intriguing premise of helping people (and particularly overtalkers) master the art of keeping quiet. Lyons, who identifies himself as an overtalker and describes how this has led to personal and professional problems, maintains that silence is not only golden but is also powerful. To emphasize his point, he uses personal anecdotes and references (mostly from websites and popular publications) to demonstrate how talking less can help our health, work, and relationships. His advice on how to STFU includes limiting use of social media, surreptitiously timing how long we talk in conversations, and embracing the “stiff upper lip” approach used by the late Queen Elizabeth II.

While the book has an undeniably provocative title and concept, it disappoints in terms of the execution. As other reviewers have noted, it is ironically too long. Ideas repeat themselves, and some of the chapters languish due to length (the first four chapters could have been condensed and combined). As mentioned above, Lyons uses a lot of examples and references to support his points, but they do not always seem necessary. These examples also do not always offer readers the best or most applicable advice. For instance, he opens the chapter “STFU is Power” with an example of how Anna Wintour and Jeff Bezos wield their power through silence and use terseness like a cudgel to inspire fear in their employees. The problem with this example is twofold. The first issue is that most of us do not have the reputation or power of Wintour or Bezos, thus making our silence less intimidating. The second (and bigger) issue is that leading through fear and intimidation does not seem like a way to create a healthy workplace. Other questionable advice includes “don’t be afraid to bail” (p.116) on a big meeting, and Lyons goes so far as to quote Elon Musk, who says “Walk out of a meeting or drop off a call as soon as it is obvious you aren’t adding value… It is not rude to leave, it is rude to make someone stay and waste their time” (p.116). Besides the fact that Musk is not exactly known for keeping his mouth shut or for being a reasonable person, we also do not have the power or professional clout to be able to walk out of a meeting without repercussions.

Despite my complaints, there are some valuable ideas in “STFU.” I appreciated some of the different suggestions that Lyons includes, such as using the WAIT test before speaking up. He also has some good communication techniques, like asking questions or just listening to others when they are complaining (as opposed to jumping in with advice). If “STFU” had been more consistent in synthesizing silence with empathy, as it does in the “STFU at Home” chapter, it could have been far more convincing. ( )

...

...oh sorry I was “shutting the f*** up.”

There is no doubt a nugget of truth to what the author says, that we need to talk less and listen more, but that is nothing new. Epictetus said, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

The material was repetitive, and Lyons, despite saying he has worked on changing, still continues to blurt out things even in this book that perhaps were not in his best interest to do so. There are several reviews that make mention of this, and how off-putting those remarks are.

I did enjoy his humor at times, but this book comes across exactly as he describes himself – a talkaholic. ( )

STFU is all about the art of silence. As somebody prone to talking a lot, this book piqued my interest. I am cautious about a book that asks people to STFU, as a woman who is frequently silenced in many ways. I think the author does a good job pointing out how men tend to talk over and interrupt women constantly, but I don't think he considered the impact of asking women to STFU when we are already so frequently expected to do so.

Many of the points in this book are things likely to already be on your radar (especially if you're a surly elder millennial or older): stop spending so much time on social media, learn how to spend time bored, don't feel like you need to broadcast your every thought and opinion to the entire universe. I mean, I don't disagree with those things. I don't know if we really need to be adding to that chorus, and if a book suggesting that we STFU is really going to correct the structural issues that are causing so many people to spend their lives sucked into the black hole of social media.

I don't know... the book was an easy read, and I don't disagree with any of the author's main points. I guess there's just irony in the author feeling like he needs to write an entire book about shutting the F up, and spending much of it in discussions about his own life. (As he mentions more than once, he tends to overtalk.) ( )

We live in an especially noisy age, and journalist Dan Lyons has had enough. In the first two sentences of this book, appropriately titled STFU, he doesn’t beat around the bush; he asks that you, the reader, kindly shut the fuck up. In this easy-reading social-science book, Lyons argues that our quality of life would improve and we’d be happier if we resisted what he calls “overtalking.”

STFU is about more than shutting up, though. The problem of overtalking segues naturally into the problem of listening poorly, so this book also confronts that. Most people, even those who think they do, don’t absorb what others say. It’s unfortunate that so many people know the hurt of having some key thing about them or their lives forgotten, sometimes multiple times. Maybe we shouldn’t assume that the forgetting of people’s names is normal and inevitable. Fortunately, because poor listening and overtalking tend to go hand-in-hand, if one is managed, management of the other follows more easily.

The concept of being quiet and listening might seem straightforward. Isn’t it simply: Just don’t open your mouth? The answer is definitely a no. The problem is complex because overtalking and noise touch all parts of life. In conversation, most of us can’t wait two beats before saying our piece. We’re self-centered and talk too much about ourselves. Lyons laments that we overtalk at home, in relationships, and at work. Our environment is sensory overload. Background music is inescapable. Screens accost us wherever we look, at gyms, on car dashboards and subways, in elevators--even in chair lifts and gondolas at ski areas. There are more movies and shows than we could ever hope to watch. Our world is severely deprived of silence.

But Lyons shows he’s a realist by recognizing that, unfortunately, our world isn’t going to get quieter. He knows mastering shutting up and listening actively is really difficult. In the beginning, it requires a commitment to act better and a constant, conscious effort. Unfortunately, depending on the person (such as those with untreated ADHD), that commitment and effort may be forever necessary.

Lyons’s thesis makes a lot of sense, and each chapter enlightens. However, he has some blind spots. Controversially, he disagrees with talk therapy for marriages in trouble. An admitted overtalker, Lyons saw several marriage counselors with his exasperated wife and found doing so a waste of time. He explains that his marriage improved only when he stopped talking so much. Therefore, in his opinion, this is the winning strategy for all strained marriages, not counseling in which partners talk it out. Lyons embraces Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s advice to “be a little deaf” in marriage and extends that to also being mute. This isn’t an incorrect philosophy--plenty of smaller things are better left unsaid and ignored; listening well only ever strengthens relationships--it’s the speaking in absolutes, the blanket dismissal based solely on his personal experience that’s incorrect. As a counterpoint, he devotes page time to the work of psychologist John Gottman--a fervent advocate of talking it out in marriage counseling--but it’s odd that Lyons could familiarize himself with Gottman’s compelling research yet remain so stubborn in his wildly biased personal opinion.

Later, in a section that seems to exist mainly so he can vent, Lyons praises the stiff upper lip of Queen Elizabeth. His point is that a silent and impassive leader is a powerful leader. In his view, quietly stripping Andrew of his title and settling the lawsuit against him without comment says more than an official statement. Regarding those royals who’ve publicly criticized the monarchy, Lyons doesn’t consider that the motivation behind criticism can be to inspire change. To him, it’s the worst kind of “overtalking”: airing of dirty laundry, “spewing opinions,” and “whining.” Without a doubt, silence is a powerful strategy for leaders and anyone in the public eye, and more need to use it. But it can be done to a fault, and in some cases, remaining silent only guards a secret that allows dysfunction to persist. I argue that there’s power in silence that’s wielded carefully. A shrewd leader recognizes when it’s prudent to comment and when it’s prudent to stay silent.

Basically, Lyons tends toward black-and-white thinking on this topic: You can never shut up enough or for too long. This raises the question of whether he’s ever interacted with a bad conversationalist. Or understands the concepts of balance and moderation. I’m surprised he didn’t acknowledge the importance of maintaining a healthy back-and-forth in conversation so it feels satisfying and substantial. As with silence in leadership, Lyons doesn’t think about how shutting up in conversation can be done to a fault.

Fortunately, the book has enough of value to outweigh the drawbacks. One of the best parts is its forceful condemnation of social media. The internet calls great attention to how much we can’t control our talking (and then causes more of it with constant dopamine hits when others positively reinforce that overtalking). To bolster this point, Lyons explains that pre-internet, our lives were quieter, confined as they were to a manageable circle of mostly local contacts. Before travel, our lives were quieter still, with a circle of contacts hyper-local and tiny to the point of familial. Now, thanks to the internet, that circle is gigantic and ever-growing, yet the brain hasn’t evolved to process the noise of so many chatty and highly stimulating interactions. We’re worse off for it.

Where social media is concerned, he endorses a strategy that most would consider radical: silence as statement. In a time when countless people overshare their opinions and photos for attention, or express outrage over criticism, there’s power and dignity in restraint and silence. It’s also often much more effective--commenting on one’s personal controversy calls even more attention to it and prolongs it.

The challenge is getting comfortable with social-media disengagement knowing that doing so means being overlooked. Regarding that, Lyons digs (although briefly) into the heart of the matter--that incessant posting of thoughts and photos is a sign of not just insecurity but of a primal need to feel like one’s existence matters. The internet highlights people’s inability to shut the fuck up, but it advertises in big, flashing lights a wide-spread fear of feeling unimportant.

Conquering that fear is well worth it, though. Numerous studies have proven without a doubt that for most people social media is extremely damaging. We’re sadder, angrier, more anxious, and more pessimistic after using it. Viewing upsetting content and judging our lives against others’ highlight reels is pointed to as the reason for this, but could refusal to shut up online play a large role? Lyons would probably say yes. Quoting Peter Sagal, host of the Wait Wait . . . Don't Tell Me! game show on National Public Radio, Lyons writes, “You will and have regretted many tweets. You will never regret not tweeting.”

In essence, STFU is about cultivating healthy relationships, of all sorts. Lyons was motivated to write this book because he found stopping his own overtalking and listening actively to be life-changing. He’s happier overall and more comfortable with himself, and he wishes this for his reader. There’s discomfort at first, as our default seems to be to overtalk and to only half listen, but if we can sit with the discomfort and cultivate a habit of shutting up, happiness follows. ( )