Richard Weissbourd

Good advice, but all of it already thought of by this intensely unsure mom. . . and it sadly is mostly in thought form, or questions rather than answers. Good questions though, that all American parents should be asking themselves. My favorte chapter is the first, so even if you don't have the time to read another parenting book, it's worth a quick glance -- an examination of what our overly sensitive "self-worth" parenting, hiding our kids from all risk, currently in-vogue parenting style is stealing from our children.… (mer)

The book gave me enough food for thought on the topic of morality and children. I've just become a father and I also happen to see many kids from various ages in my extended family. My thoughts and feelings after observing the younger ones and teens, how they react to their peers, elders and to the world in general is neither very optimistic nor really pessimistic but I must confess that I generally tend to be a little pessimist. Sometimes I feel like I will not have much say when my son will be a teenager, all that peer pressure and other parameters that will be more or less out of my control. But on the other hand, I also observe the parents and see how their behavioral patterns affect the children, e.g. their attitude towards sports activities, how they value sports and what kind of ethical standards they adhere to.

Richard Weissbourd draws a pretty broad and sincere picture about the current situation of parenting in USA, as well as major problems and attitudes towards children. Some parts of the book may run the risk of sounding a little alien to the people outside of USA, but in this highly-connected world of ours I don't think we can deny the influence of culture from the other side of Atlantic. One of the striking points of the book is how Weissbourd describes the changes of attitude in immigrant children: in the beginning they are very nice, polite, hard-working and respectful (according to their teachers) but after a few years of interacting with their peers in USA they undergo a dramatic change of attitude towards their teachers, school life, and moral values; which is generally perceived as very negative by the very same teachers.

One of the main themes of the book, and maybe the most important lesson of all, is that actually trying to be 'friends' with your children does not work the way you expect. There are many examples from real world cases in which children lose their strongest moral compass, their parents because, well, parents became more like friends than parents. Another important point is the attitude of parents towards success, morality and the tension between these two when there are situations where those notions seem to contradict each other. There are fabulous examples in which you see how children understand and interpret the hypocrisy of their parents when it comes to academic achievement and how it relates to "success is not everything, you should be a good and honest person in life" kind of thinking. Taking into account the overly competitive social life of USA and how it erodes the psychology of people, I'm reluctant to accuse parents but then I ask myself "to whom will the children turn to for an example, if not their parents?" There doesn't seem to be easy and simple answers.

One of my favorite chapters of the book has got to do about the relationship among sports, coaching, moral values and parenting. Some parts of the chapter are real gems on the philosophy of sports. Weissbourd does not hesitate to bust the myths of coaching spread by popular Hollywood movies such as Remember the Titans, Hoosiers and others. I found it very important and valuable to reflect upon why we value sports, why we take our children to sports activities and what success means to us and our children in the context of those activities. Is having fun the most important thing that should eschew hard competition? Is winning the game, by doing whatever it takes, something to be worshiped? What would our children really lose had they not been in that sports activity? Is it really for us or for them? Should the coach be a dictator or should the parents be let to interfere all the time?

I would suggest this book to parents of little children or teenagers if they have concerns about raising moral children in today's world. A world in which they'll face unprecedented amounts of cultural influence, peer pressure and competition in various settings, starting with school. The book does not give simple and ready-to-use recipes but the questions it arises by using concrete examples and the principles it discusses are worth reading and re-reading indeed.… (mer)

Weissbourd has his call to action for parents. Raise your children with an appropriate balance of emotions--including ones we try to avoid like shame--without over-reacting to normal developmental behaviors. Zero-tolerance will allow a teen to focus on the hypocrisy of the adult system, rather than a serious punishment which could force the teen to examine his actions and grow in his understanding.

Happiness, self-esteem, and self-expression: these are all important ideals we try to instill in our children. And they are getting too much of a good thing. A child who is raised to think he should always be happy is unable to feel true compassion or empathy for another person and is unable to handle disappointment. A child whose self-esteem must be permanently high doesn't understand the usefulness of shame or how to properly handle that emotion, is immature later in life, and is often cruel to his "friends." "[S]tudies show that gang leaders, playground bullies,violent criminals, and delinquents often have high self-esteem and that their high opinion of themselves can make them care not one whit what their victims think...self-esteem and the maturity of the self are quite different" (p. 46). Furthermore, when they feel sad or shame, these emotions are compounded because they think they have done something additionally wrong for feeling that way. A child who is allowed to express himself no matter what has no regard for others, lacks any form of morality, and has no respect for others' rights to expression. These are not easy issues to confront, but as parents, we must if we hope to raise children into strong, moral, conscientious adults. When the author talks about morality, it is not the morality that is given from religious books or even the law. It is the decency with which we treat others, the ways in which we follow our own moral compasses and "practice what we preach."

"Severe punishments can focus children on the unfairness of the punishment and the negative qualities of the adult administering it, distracting them from any moral messages or information that the punishment contains" (p. 30). This is not a book about how to punish or discipline children; in fact, there isn't even an entry in the index on discipline. It is about the day-to-day raising of children and the mindset of caregivers. It recognizes nuances and subtleties with parenting that many books overlook in an attempt to be universally helpful. This is an excellent book for all parents and is written in an easy-to-access manner. But professionals (teachers, counselors, administrators) can also benefit from the lessons in this book. Anyone who is responsible for the upbringing of a child, from pre-school through early adulthood, can find useful, research-based suggestions with excellent real-world examples.

Furthermore, actions that make us our children's friends or confidants rob our children of what they really need--parents who are their moral compasses and first teachers. "Because teens tend to be aware of what they ought to do and have an 'ideal self,' they need and respect adults who deeply appreciate their peer predicaments and also ally with their own high inner standards" (p. 31).

Many of the themes in Barbara Ehrenrich's Bright-Sided are echoed in this book. Whereas she shows that our over-emphasis on feeling good is bad for ourselves, Weissbourd shows that is is harmful and self-defeating for our children.

The notes section includes numerous citations. Every time his says "research shows," he shows the research (and most of the time, it is actual peer-reviewed research), which I respect in a parenting book because of how rare it is to find.

My only real complaint is that this book does little to address issues of special needs children (though I realize that would be out of the scope of this book). The author does focus primarily on normal, middle- and upper-class households, though issues of single parenting and divorces are addressed a bit.… (mer)