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How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (2003)

av Leil Lowndes

MedlemmarRecensionerPopularitetGenomsnittligt betygOmnämnanden
1,3552614,242 (3.4)4
Self-Improvement. Nonfiction. Offers 62 time-tested hints, tips, and techniques for confidently communicating with others. Best-selling author and renowned communications consultant Leil Lowndes, focuses on ice-breaking skills and communication techniques that are proven successful when making a positive first impression, establishing instant rapport and credibility, and more. Packed with basic, no-nonsense advice and solid research evidence about which techniques work best in which areas, How To Talk To Anyone show readers how to: * Make small talk not so small * Use body language to captivate an audience * Look like you know what you're talking about--even when you don't How To Talk To Anyone is brimming with helpful hints, tips, and ideas for approaching, attracting and communicating with just about anyone. Whether you're a shy guy or gal or you're just looking for ways to improve your social skills.… (mer)
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Book Extracts Blinkist: How to talk to anybody
First impressions matter, so remember to smile and use welcoming body language.
Make sure you smile when you meet new people? You may have found it annoying at the time, but a smile can make a big difference in whether or not you win someone over......a natural-looking smile is even more important among women.
It has been proven [we obviously lose something here with the book summary. When I’m told that “it’s been proven” I look to see by whom and how it was proven....and this is missing. Maybe it was effectively established in the full book...or maybe it’s just a wild claim or somebody’s idea] that establishing steady eye contact will help you gain both respect and affection. [And anyway, there is a cultural dimension to eye contact. In some societies it’s regarded as aggressive or flirtatious to make eye contact and not something you would do with those higher in rank].
When greeting someone for the first time, do so as if she were an old friend. Along with a warm smile, turn your body fully toward her so she can see you’re giving her your undivided attention. [I get a sense of déjà vu here...and it takes me back 60 years to when I first read “How to win friends and influence People”, by Dale Carnegie. In fact most of this book seems to be a re-run of Carnegie’s original....as are many similar books in the self-help genre].
And keep your hand gestures under control. [Very annoying to the Japanese for example]
Smooth introductions and familiar gestures lead to good conversations.
One classic technique for getting others to come talk to you is to have an icebreaker, or conversation starter, that you can bring with you, such as a vintage pocket watch, or one-of-a-kind purse....Pay close attention to how they are speaking and responding. Try to match their mood and tone of voice, and the chances are everyone will be attentive and engaged.
When you spot your chance to enter a conversation, the best thing to do is be confident in what you say and engage with a positive attitude.
Master the art of small talk by opening conversational doors and keeping people talking.
What questions always come up when getting to know someone? Chances are, it’s things like, “Where are you from,” or, “What do you do?” Instead of giving one-word answers like “London” and “Marketing,” be prepared to elaborate. Keep the conversation flowing by leading into an interesting fact or anecdote that opens the door for another topic.
Another winning tip is to focus on being a good listener, and knowing how to keep your partner talking. One of the best ways is to say very little and keep the spotlight on your partner. This way, they’ll be too busy talking and being flattered by your interest to notice that you aren’t saying much. Use their pauses as an opportunity to take the last thing they said and repeat it in such a way that it puts the ball back in their court.
As host think who in the group has a great story and then to give that person a proper introduction. And avoid saying things that will make you look bad. When people are getting to know each other better, they often feel the impulse to confess something personal or reveal a weakness. This is a mistake.
Build rapport through imitating, empathizing and acting like a close friend.
When you reflect a person’s movements, they’ll tend to feel more comfortable around you, even if they’re not exactly sure why. If you’re talking to someone who says they work for an ad agency, notice that they didn’t call it a company or a firm, and do likewise yourself. And drop the “ums” and use empathizers instead. Use full sentences that show your partner that you’re truly listening, like, “That was the right thing to do,” or, “I see why you did that.”
adopting two powerful words: “we” and “us.”
So rather than saying, “What do you think about this new mayor?” try saying, “How do you think we’ll do with the new mayor?”
If you want to quickly form a bond, remember when funny remarks and shared laughs occur, and cleverly bring them up again later on......“Chemistry, charisma, and confidence are three characteristics shared by Big Winners in all walks of life.”
Be delicate, sparing and immediate with your praise.
Give praise indirectly. One way of doing this is to pass along any nice words via a mutual acquaintance. And if you’re ever approached by someone to pass along a good word, be sure to follow through on it. Everyone feels they do good work that goes largely unnoticed. By simply telling someone that they did a good job, you’ll be making their day!
speak up right when the good deed happens. Immediate praise can be especially good when someone’s just given a presentation For giving a dazzling compliment to that special someone in your life, just highlight one specific trait that you really admire.
Always be considerate in your relationships, especially when it comes to giving and receiving favors.
One easy way to improve your relationships is to be more considerate. Sometimes there are distractions but once the distraction has been dealt with, don’t forget to return to your friend and have her pick up where she left off.
Sometimes things are best left unsaid.
If you do someone a favour, don’t immediately ask for something in return.
Sounding professional is crucial for career success.
When talking with your boss, cut to the chase and be direct. Important people don’t have time to dance around the topic. By starting your sentences with “you,” the listener is bound to pay more attention to the words that follow. If you think they’ll be happy to hear the news, deliver it with a smile. If it’s disappointing news, tell them with a compassionate sigh.
Also, think about what the listener might be interested in......don’t just tell them your job title–tell them what you do for people. If you’re an accountant, say, “I arrange people’s finances and find new ways for them to save money.”
Don’t ask people, “What do you do?” Instead, ask them something like “How do you spend most of your time?”
Professionals don’t tease or embarrass other people, or make jokes at their expense.
Stay in charge by separating business and leisure, and by always being honest.
Even if you’re at a business lunch, don’t start talking shop until you’re done with the dessert, especially if the topic is a tough one. After all, no one wants to have their appetite ruined by an unpleasant business conversation.
When doing deals be transparent and upfront about how both the client, and yourself, will benefit. This way, they won’t think that you’re trying to pull a fast one.
And, if you make a mistake, like sending out the wrong product, be apologetic and go the extra mile by making a gesture of goodwill, such as offering a gift card or free shipping on their next order.
One final tip that’s sure to impress is to always be the first one to applaud or speak up.
Preparing for meetings pays off.
Studies show that people with a deep and plentiful vocabulary are seen as more intelligent and creative......Preparation can be especially useful if you focus on the people you’re meeting with. If you’re attending a trade conference or similar event, brush up on your business jargon by leafing through trade magazines or websites.....The same holds true when you’re a tourist or traveling on business. Familiarity with local customs and history will mean you’ll be less likely to put your foot in your mouth, or otherwise embarrass yourself.
Effective phone skills can make up for a lack of visual cues.
When you answer the phone, do so in a crisp and professional manner. When the caller identifies himself, greet him like you would a long-lost friend. This way, they’ll feel warm and welcome, and you’ll already be off to a great start. People tend to perk up when they hear their own name, so you can keep someone’s attention by using their name more frequently than you would otherwise. Instead of asking to talk to Ms. Smith, just ask, “Is she in today?” This implies familiarity and suggests you’re a close friend who deserves to be put at the top of the call-back queue.
Get the most out of every party by making a strong entrance and taking the initiative.
The technique for a dramatic entrance is simple: Before entering, pause at the doorway and give the room a scan. Once you’ve surveyed the premises and deemed them satisfactory, you can smile and step inside....[This assumes that everybody is focused on the door].
Once inside, you should take the initiative and immediately gravitate toward the most interesting person in the room. Adopt an open and inviting posture, with your palms facing outward.....Remember to listen, and take mental notes of what the other person is saying, as it will likely prove useful later.
Final summary
With some basic understanding of human nature and people’s habits, anyone can learn how to be a better communicator and improve their relationships. Everyone should know the importance of making a good first impression, how to use non-threatening and positive body language, giving effective praise and how to come to meetings prepared with valuable information. With knowledge and good technique, you'll not only feel more comfortable and confident in your conversations but also gain more friends and quickly move up the ladder of success.
Remember the valuable information people reveal about themselves. One helpful trick is to jot down interesting facts on the back of a person’s business card as soon as you finish talking to them. Then, the next time you meet, you can impress them by mentioning one or two personal details.
Actually, I thought this was a pretty good summary about how to talk to anybody. Though she clearly hasn’t been present at the Canadian National Day in Mexico (with very limited Spanish) and tried to speak to the Chinese First secretary in Spanish, then English and be faced by total non-comprehension and non-interest and then they just walked away. That sort of thing is “challenging”. The key lesson being to improve your Spanish. Yes, she does cover a lot of what Dale Carnegie said but it stands repeating. Four stars from me. ( )
  booktsunami | Jun 30, 2024 |
Many of the notes in this make a lot of sense because they point you toward being a better human being. But the ones about networking and getting to know people in social settings are ones I’m locking away in my brain because my little anxious, introverted self needs a little help in that department. ( )
  Elise3105 | Aug 13, 2023 |
Entretenido, claro, y con tips fáciles de recordar. ( )
  VikiMorandeira | Aug 24, 2022 |
...originally published in '99? I expected 80s at the latest. Some of this stuff sounds more dated than Carnegie. But common-sense-reinforcing and a good reminder.

(P.s. Heterocentric as fuck. Only mention of LGBT is like fellas, don't use this technique on another guy, he may want to sock you! Boo.) ( )
  Adamantium | Aug 21, 2022 |
How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships by Liel Lowndes

Why I picked this book up: while working as a Clinical Psychologist, this title drew me in and how simple, relational, pragmatic, and reality seemed kept me hooked.

Thoughts from the book and website regarding its synopsis:
Leil has devoted her professional life to helping people communicate in various relationships. The passion she brings to her writing and speaking on communication skills can be traced to childhood when she suffered almost debilitating shyness which lasted right through college. After being a teacher for six years and still feeling socially insecure, she decided to leave the teaching profession and work only in situations that put her in constant touch with a wide variety of individuals. Here is a short history of how she gained her insights and share them with the world. After working with elementary school children, she decided to take the first step toward her goal by becoming an international flight attendant to feel at ease speaking with adults from all over the world. Still shy in front of crowds, however, tried acting to become confident on stage. But, although she was very successful she wasn't satisfied simply speaking from a playwright's script. To become comfortable addressing large audiences with her own "script," she became a cruise director on ships traveling around the world. That exhausting experience of dealing with people almost 24 hours a day, she said, would cure anyone's shyness! Between trips, Leil worked as substitute host on New York's #1 radio talk show. Interviewing celebrities and political figures is how she became confident talking to anybody about anything. After decades of communicating with all types and ages of people, Leil decided to write and speak to groups to share her knowledge with the public. Leil now conducts seminars for Fortune 500 companies and speaks at conventions, but her favorite type of communicating is still one-on-one talking with people.

This book is a good basic psychology-backed book that offers guidance on effective communication. Lowndes covers a wide range of communication types, broken down into verbal and nonverbal, across various possible context. Your approach should adapt depending on whom you are talking to and the specific context.

StoryShot #1: Using Your Smile and Your Eyes for First Impressions 80% of first impressions is the way you look and move. In fact, studies suggest that emotional reactions occur in our brains before we even have time to register a reaction to somebody. So, try to utilize Leil Lowndes’ tips to intrigue everyone through your first impressions.
Lowndes advises against quick smiles. If you interact with somebody, you should start by looking at their face for a second and pausing. This pause will let you soak in their persona. You should then let out a big warm smile that floods across your face. Allow this flood to overflow into smiling with your eyes. While engaging with the flooding smile, you should also try to maintain eye contact. Others will respect you more if you maintain strong eye contact. Specifically, this ability is associated with intelligence and abstract thinking.
Lowndes’ second technique builds on the importance of maintaining eye contact. She describes how you should adopt sticky eyes. This means you should not break eye contact even after they have finished speaking. Once you have decided to break eye contact, you should do so slowly and reluctantly. Lowndes believes this approach will send a message to others to comprehend their conversation and respect them as an individual.
When you are seeking romance, you should utilize what Lowndes describes as epoxy eyes. If you are romantically interested in someone, maintain deep eye contact with them even when they are not the person talking. If they are interested in you, keeping eye contact while they are a listener can be an effective aphrodisiac.
StoryShot #2: How to Excel at Small Talk Try not to worry too much about what you are saying, but attempt to match the mood of the audience. The easiest, broader approach to take is simply ensuring your words will put people at ease. Doing this will help make you sound passionate.
As long as your words are putting the audience at ease, you can focus more on the tone of what you are saying. 80% of your communication has nothing to do with your choice of words.
When introducing people, you should always offer an exciting point for the conversation to flow from. Offering an unbaited hook when starting a conversation will only lead to awkwardness. A word detective can identify their conversation partner’s preferred topic by listening to every word said. You will become more appealing in others’ minds if you learn how to keep the spotlight shining on them.
StoryShot #3: How to Start a Conversation Lowndes suggests always wearing or carrying something slightly unusual. Possessing these objects will immediately draw other people’s attention towards you. Try to also make small talk by commenting on other people’s attire.
Asking people you know to make introductions with other people can immediately provide an icebreaker.
Eavesdropping in group contexts is not rude. It shows curiosity. So, don’t be scared to eavesdrop on other conversations and say something like ‘excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear…’
If somebody asks you where you are from, you should always avoid giving them a one-word answer. Use this as an opportunity to describe interesting parts of your life. You should always avoid one-word answers when somebody asks what you do for work. Embellish your answer with fascinating facts about your role, company, or job history.
StoryShot #4: Conversations on Jobs Lowndes believes you should never be asking the question, “What do you do?” You should be asking others how they spend most of their time instead. If you are asked what you do, you should try to avoid using the same stories about your personal life across conversations. Build up a bank of true stories that roll off your tongue.
StoryShot #5: How to Make Others Feel Special A common mistake is immediately agreeing with another person. Instead of jumping in with “me too,” you should wait and listen. So, the other person will be influenced more if you wait to agree.
Wherever possible, start sentences with the word “you.” Starting conversations with this word will immediately grab your listeners’ attention. If you are meeting a group of people, you should greet each person with a distinct smile rather than smiling at a group.
StoryShot #6: Challenging Conversation Topics Never, ever, make a joke at anyone else’s expense. You may get some cheap laughs in the short term. But, you will pay for this joke in the long run.
You should always consider the receiver of your news before throwing it out there. Ensure you deliver any news with appropriate emotions.
Whenever someone persists in questioning you on an unwelcome subject, simply repeat your original response. Use precisely the same words in precisely the same tone of voice. Hearing it again usually quiets them down.
StoryShot #7: How to Talk to a Celebrity When chatting with a celebrity you should never compliment their work and instead, say that you have gained insight from their work. You should also avoid singling out any accomplishments that are well in the past for the celebrity. Choose one of their recent accomplishments to show you are not starstruck.
StoryShot #8: How to Sound Like You Understand Their Passions Lowndes describes gobbledygook as the language of other professions. Learn a minimal amount of information about a wide range of topics so you can sound like an insider. The most effective way of doing this is finding an insider to teach you some lingo. As well as learning some of the jargon within a profession, you must also identify the hot issues within a field. Every industry has burning concerns that only specialists will know about. Learn these hot issues, and you become infinitely more interesting. Read magazines pertaining to the industry you will be encountering to learn insider news.
StoryShot #9: How to Turn Individuals into a Collective There are four levels to move from being strangers to making them think ‘we’:
1. Clichés – Strangers will generally throw cliches at each other to make small talk.
2. Facts – People who are acquaintances rather than friends will often bring up interesting facts to make conversation.
3. Feelings and Personal Questions – When people become friends they start offering their feelings regarding all topics, even those that are boring.
4. We Statements – Using ‘we’ prematurely will push your relationship closer.
When you meet a stranger you’d like to make less of a stranger, search for some special moment you shared during your first encounter. The author calls this instant history.
StoryShot #10: How to Make Them Feel Like You Are Similar Try to copy the movement styles of people you are engaging with. Doing so will make them feel more comfortable and receptive. Match your personality to your product. Echoing is a simple and powerful linguistic technique that can make you feel like family. Hearing their words come out of your mouth creates subliminal rapport.
Lowndes believes you can create a sensation of intimacy with someone even moments after having met them. The most effective way of doing this is skipping conversation levels 1 and 2 and going straight to the more intimate conversations. If you want to make a stranger less of a stranger, try to identify a remarkable moment you shared during your first encounter.
StoryShot #11: How to Bring Good Vibes Offer praise to people when they are not even within a conversation. If they find out you have been complimenting them behind their back, this means a lot more than flattery to someone’s face.
Become someone who carries good news. So, if somebody compliments another person, you should try to be the person who lets the complimented person know. Throw a few comments into your conversation that presupposes something positive about the person you’re talking with.
You should also try to become a stealthy praiser. Do not make all your compliments obvious by hiding them in the middle of sentences. These types of praise are often perceived as more genuine.
StoryShot #12: Use Verbal Strokes and Compliments Try to become a stealthy praiser. Do not make all your compliments obvious by hiding them in the middle of sentences. These types of praise are often perceived as more genuine.
The alternative is the killer compliment. Use these sparingly as they can be intense. Identify one specific quality, look them in the eye, say their name, and deliver the compliment. The author also provides several killer compliment rules:
· Deliver it in private.
· Make your killer compliment credible.
· Confer only one killer compliment every 6 months.
To keep your loved ones on side, you should utilize minor verbal strokes. These strokes will help them better understand they are appreciated. Let compliments boomerang straight back to the giver. You do not necessarily have to give a big compliment, but you can say something like “that is very kind of you.” Whenever someone shines a little sunshine on your life in the form of a compliment or concerned question, reflect it back on the shiner.
You take people’s breath away when you feed their deepest self-image to them in a compliment.

Why I finished: this book is simple, useful, fun to read and gave me different ways than Imam used to doing some of these technique and overall Imreally enjoyed what she presented to us.

Stars rating: 4 out of 5 because although not a deep psychology book I really enjoyed it and highly recommend it.

Book title and author: How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships by Leil Lowndes 9780071418584 I read this in 2021 and again 1-20-24

Ms. Lowndes as a child had almost debilitating shyness that lasted through college. She was a teacher for 6 years left the teaching career then became an international flight attendant then tried acting, starred in a broadway show, became a cruse director then worked as substitute host on New York's #1 radio talk show. Interviewing celebrities and political figures is how she became confident talking to anybody about anything. After decades of communicating with all types and ages of people, Leil decided to write and speak to groups to share her knowledge with the public. Leil now conducts seminars for Fortune 500 companies and speaks at conventions, but her favorite type of communicating is still one-on-one , was rhe star of a play talking with people.

Why I picked this book up: I have been a talker my whole life, have been social extrovert and am a psychologist. My kids often comment that I talk to everybody.

Thoughts:
1. People need to know you like them.
2. How to speak like a celebrity.
3. Here’s how to show another person how much you are alike.
4. Use nonverbal cues to make a good first impression.
5. Eleven types of body language.
6. Technique #1: stand tall.
7. Method #2: relax and get rid of any physical obstacles.
8. Eighteen fidgety and guarded movements to avoid.
9. Smooth introductions and familiar gestures lead the good conversations.
10. Master the art of small talk by opening conversational doors and keeping people talking.
11. Build rapport by I’m I’m imitating, empathizing and acting like a close friend.
12. Technique #3: delay your smiles and maintain eye contact.
13. Technique #4: for career success it’s crucial to sound professional.
14. Make the most of every party by making a good first impression and taking the lead.

Why I finished this read: this was a review and a 225 page book.

Stars rating: keeping my 4 of 5 stars. ( )
  DrT | Mar 30, 2022 |
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Have you ever admired those successful people who seem to have it all?
The moment two humans lay eyes on each other has awesome potency.
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Self-Improvement. Nonfiction. Offers 62 time-tested hints, tips, and techniques for confidently communicating with others. Best-selling author and renowned communications consultant Leil Lowndes, focuses on ice-breaking skills and communication techniques that are proven successful when making a positive first impression, establishing instant rapport and credibility, and more. Packed with basic, no-nonsense advice and solid research evidence about which techniques work best in which areas, How To Talk To Anyone show readers how to: * Make small talk not so small * Use body language to captivate an audience * Look like you know what you're talking about--even when you don't How To Talk To Anyone is brimming with helpful hints, tips, and ideas for approaching, attracting and communicating with just about anyone. Whether you're a shy guy or gal or you're just looking for ways to improve your social skills.

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